© Andy Juell
First published in ANVIL Magazine.
Well, I have had enough. First it was the AFA, then the WSFA, then FAWS, then Walt Taylor's WFA and pretty soon the interplanetary FA, just in case someone is stupid enough to want to shoe horses on Venus. So I am going to add RASHA to the ever-growing list of farriers' groups, as not only is it a cute name for a small dog, but it will also fill the one last void in American horseshoeing: the rich guys. Here is a rundown on our rules, ideology, contests, membership requirements, and drinking habits.
The association was formed last week for no apparent reason. In light of that, our board of directors (who wish to remain anonymous) still felt that there was no association in the world for rich people who, by some accident of birth, ended up as horseshoers. By filling this void, it is hoped that people like Jay Leno will invite us to be on their TV shows and ask us irrelevant questions about life.
The International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will have strict membership requirements.
OUR CODE OF ETHICS
"If you get paid, don't worry about it."
"Get the check."
THE NATIONAL FLINCH TEST
All prospective members of the International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will be required to take the following examination: Each applicant will be required to shoe a horse in any chosen manner by that member (hiring someone else to do it is fine) with any materials that the applicant can find. Upon completion of the aforementioned horse (there will be no time limit), said applicant will present a totally outlandish bill to either (A) George Steinbrenner, (B) a Jewish clothier from Brooklyn, or (C) Mike Tyson. A panel of four judges, drawn at random from a local plumbers' union, will decide if, in the course of presenting the bill, the applicant either flinches, bats an eye, becomes embarrassed, or God forbid, adjusts the bill downward. There will be a five-minute time limit (65 seconds if applicant draws Mike Tyson for the exam) in which the testers may say or do anything short of a felony to the applicant. Those individuals found to have failed the test will be required to pay the association the sum of $125.00 (no checks) and may not reschedule an examination for at least 24 hours, or until the judges sober up, whichever comes first. Those applicants passing the exam will: receive $50.00 in cash from each current member, an invitation to join the Republican Party, a year's supply of oakum courtesy of the plumbers' union, a video cassette of the movie "True Grit," Donald Trump's cellular number, and a year's subscription to Forbes Magazine.
THE ANNUAL COMPETITION
Once a year, The International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will hold a competition to determine the championships in our five recognized divisions: Best Truck, Best Outfit, Most Creative Use of a Cellular Phone, Most Outrageous Promotional Gimmick, and the overall championship which will be decided by the horseshoer exhibiting the absolute laziest way possible to make a buck. JUDGES FOR 1996: Elizabeth Taylor, Hillary Clinton, and Rob Edwards.
CLASS 1: Best Truck. This class will be open to any vehicle with less than seven axles. Weight not to exceed 60,000 lbs., or overall length of 40 feet. Contestant may present truck in any acceptable manner. Please, though, no nudity. In the event of a tie, all cigarette butts, candy wrappers, and old donuts will carefully be removed from the cab and weighed. First Prize: A free triple bypass by the surgeon of your choice, or two weeks in a Nevada brothel.
CLASS 2: Best Outfit. This is a split division class. Female entrants will be judged on poise, confidence, and how well they look on the hood of a BMW. Chaps are required. The men's division will be judged on arrogance, strength (crushing a beer can on one's forehead as an example) and how far they can spit from the hood of a BMW. In both divisions, cross-dressing is discouraged. First Prize Women's Division: Scott Simpson's phone number.
CLASS 3: Most Creative Use of a Cellular Phone. This is an open class to be judged on the ingenuity of the contestant. Example: Last year's winner ear twitched his favorite trainer with the cord while ordering sushi from the local takeout bar. First Prize: 500 shares of stock in IBM, two Super Bowl tickets, and a guest appearance on "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." In the event of a tie, the winner will be determined by the balance owing on their American Express Card.
CLASS 4: Most Outrageous Promotional Gimmick. (Sponsored by the makers of Sorbothane, Hoof Bond, and Big Bob's Plastic Pritchel Co.). This is a thinking man's class, and all contestants will be provided with lounge chairs and the cocktails of their choice. Deep furrowed brews, smoking ears, and migraine headaches will be given special consideration. The winner will be established by the first contestant to successfully earn $1,200.00 without getting up from his or her chair. Lying is optional, with a two-hour time limit on ascertaining the truth. First Prize: Tammy Baker's face embossed on a belt buckle, $52,000.00 in legal fees, and a month's stay at the institution of your choice.
OVERALL CHAMPION: The annual champion of The International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers' Annual Contest will be determined by the accumulation of the most points. In line with the philosophy of the association, the judges have determined that the points may be stolen, embezzled, blackmailed, or bought from other contestants. In the event of a tie, the contestants will be allowed to reach a settlement on their own. Prize: Fourteen feet of cow intestines, a pair of tight jeans, and Wayne Newton's favorite horse.
Annual Membership dues for the International Association of Rich and Scientific Horseshoers will be one dollar. Life memberships are 50 cents. Members will be entitled to our monthly newsletter (if we feel like printing it), our special decal (which has a picture of a rich guy running over a Hungarian immigrant), and the knowledge of knowing that they are a member of the world's finest association for rich and scientific horseshoers.
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